That's when the irony hit me...
i can't sleep. i made a big deal about sleeping in on my day off but i can't now that i have it. i can only hope my typing isn't bothering amy.
i've been feeling so unsure. i'm unsure about why pete died. i'm unsure of my major. i'm unsure if umd is a good place for me. i'm just so unsure.
they teach us that all college students go through highs and lows, but then i have to ask how do you know if what you're feeling is just a part of the process or if it's a real thing that needs to be addressed. i think i'm going to explore some therapy options here at school. i need to talk to someone. gihan wants to be there, but i can't ask that much of him. he said i could try talking to evelyn and that we could bond over this, but she's so angry. i'm so angry. i don't want to feed each others fire, i want to stop the hurting.
pete's death really really hit me. i cannot explain how badly i hated the idea of coming back to school. one of our greatest had fallen but i couldn't say anything. i miss talking to my mom for hours when she first comes home from work. i miss waking up in my room with my kitten sleeping at my feet. i miss driving more than thirty miles an hour. i miss waking up early to stare at the christmas tree. i miss my mom constant christmas music. i miss going to applebees because we can't think of a better place.
i miss going to qdoba with marissa. i really miss going to eden prairie center because we felt like it. i miss chick flicks. i miss gihan's basement. i miss hearing the sri lankan music turned up way too loud upstairs. i miss hearing his parents yelling in sinhalese because apparently you need to yell to be heard overseas. i miss watching tv with jenna. i miss complaining about rob at lifetime. i miss going into my refrigerator and eating something without concern because i didn't purchase it myself. i miss taking the long way home because i just have to finish the song i'm listening to.
college and i have such a love/hate relationship. right now i can't stand the thought of being here. right now, christmas time, is a time to be home. it's when i want to watch claymation movies and sit by the fire. i want to walk into the kitchen and steal a cookie my mom just made. i don't want to feel like a hermit because i don't want to go out. i don't want to watch what everyone else wants to because they think claymation is immature. i want to get excited for the snow with people other than amy. i love gihan, but he just does not get christmas. i love it and i feel like i'm the only one here (except for my roommate thank god). i just want to feel my mom hug me and listen to my sister giggle uncontrollably.
i know there is only sixteen days left until i'll be home again, but sometimes i feel like i can't wait that long.
oh, and i want to know what people see me doing for my career. i'm taking a survey. if anyone still reads this please answer :D
-katie
