title: Empty Handed by Michelle Branch
I think too much. “I’m worried that you’ll find me out, and now like what you see”
I just keep thinking about things. Maybe it’s not that I’m thinking. It’s that I’m feeling. This mood creates such a desire to express, that I can’t concentrate on anything else. This swelling sensation in my chest will not stray, lest I let out the feelings I’ve been holding back with fear.
So often I fear that the product of my expression won’t be eloquent enough. That it won’t accurately portray the complex array of emotion that bounce around in my head.
Rain is inspiring. The rain was pouring down a little while ago, and despite the freezing temperatures, all I wanted to do was stand in it. To run in it. To cry in it.
Things move me. Anything can move me really, but more than anything else, contrast moves me. Darkness against light, traditional against modern, nature against man. All of it moves me to these feelings, and once they’ve been stored up long enough I forget all my fear and express.
This makes sense. If you were too look at the dates of times I’ve written consecutively, you’d notice that it was in times of great distress. This isn’t because of the actual pain of the various situations, but because pain moves me. Pain bottles up more quickly than other emotions so it needs to be expressed more often.
Oh how I’ve missed pondering like this!
Just writing and making realizations as they come out on the page. Letting my fingers type out my thoughts before they have time to pass throught the filters of my brain. Before I can dismiss them as not worth while.
Before I can realize that I jump around too much when I write.
When I allow my thoughts to be raw and genuine, they come out beautifully. When I filter, it seems childish and a complete waste of time.
I love my passion.
I love it with every fiber of my being.
I love Love.
-katie*
That's when the irony hit me...
Title: It Ends Tonight by All American Rejects
And so it comes full circle. My past two springs are melding into one and I’m beginning to discover just a bit more of the person that is become Katie Baker. Last spring was about Love. Last spring was about God, and hope. Last spring I put together pieces of a long hard learned lesson, and made sense of who God is (or at least part of who He is).
Then this spring. This spring was about a different love. Love of man. I fell in love for the first time (romantically), and I’m still in over my head. Drowning in love, and enjoying ever fleeting second. I have learned to love people in a new way. A more effective way. I have learned that people take patience, and kindness. I learned that tough love is okay. I learned that loving someone, doesn’t mean giving them what they want, but what they need. I have learn many things these past two springs and tonight I realize the problem.
After last spring and all of my learning, I ran. I ran from everything I knew. I ran from my old friends. My old way of life. My God.
I ran from me.
I ran as far and as fast as I could, so that my past couldn’t hurt me. I ran so my demons wouldn’t determine my future. I ran. I ran until I hurt so much I collapsed.
I collapsed. I gave up on the Church, and what it had to offer. I decided that all Christians were wrong about God. I decided that these people could never truly understand the knowledge I’d acquired in previous years. I collapsed from the weight of everything life had thrown at me. I collapsed, but worse, I hid.
I hid.
I hid from the One who could heal me. I hid from my God, my best friend, because I believed that I wasn’t fit to be in His presence. I hid from my old friends, fearing their judgment. I hid from everything, and I never looked back.
I turned away.
I turned away from God, from the Church. I decided that life was going pretty well without, and that I’d eventually be fine doing it my way. In the beginning it was all about me and God. I prayed. I prayed and talked to the few friends I had left. But eventually that charade died. I have stopped praying. I have stopped talking. I ended it with no warning.
Tonight begins it.
Tonight begins a new chapter. A new chance to learn. A new life.
The things I learned last spring cannot be forgotten, but need to paired with the things I have learned now. Pairing them together will make me strong, and I realize now that I’ve been missing an old Friend.
I’ve been missing my God.
I have all but ignored him for too long.
I love Him.
I Love Him.
And I can’t live with this hole any longer.
-Katie*
And so it comes full circle. My past two springs are melding into one and I’m beginning to discover just a bit more of the person that is become Katie Baker. Last spring was about Love. Last spring was about God, and hope. Last spring I put together pieces of a long hard learned lesson, and made sense of who God is (or at least part of who He is).
Then this spring. This spring was about a different love. Love of man. I fell in love for the first time (romantically), and I’m still in over my head. Drowning in love, and enjoying ever fleeting second. I have learned to love people in a new way. A more effective way. I have learned that people take patience, and kindness. I learned that tough love is okay. I learned that loving someone, doesn’t mean giving them what they want, but what they need. I have learn many things these past two springs and tonight I realize the problem.
After last spring and all of my learning, I ran. I ran from everything I knew. I ran from my old friends. My old way of life. My God.
I ran from me.
I ran as far and as fast as I could, so that my past couldn’t hurt me. I ran so my demons wouldn’t determine my future. I ran. I ran until I hurt so much I collapsed.
I collapsed. I gave up on the Church, and what it had to offer. I decided that all Christians were wrong about God. I decided that these people could never truly understand the knowledge I’d acquired in previous years. I collapsed from the weight of everything life had thrown at me. I collapsed, but worse, I hid.
I hid.
I hid from the One who could heal me. I hid from my God, my best friend, because I believed that I wasn’t fit to be in His presence. I hid from my old friends, fearing their judgment. I hid from everything, and I never looked back.
I turned away.
I turned away from God, from the Church. I decided that life was going pretty well without, and that I’d eventually be fine doing it my way. In the beginning it was all about me and God. I prayed. I prayed and talked to the few friends I had left. But eventually that charade died. I have stopped praying. I have stopped talking. I ended it with no warning.
Tonight begins it.
Tonight begins a new chapter. A new chance to learn. A new life.
The things I learned last spring cannot be forgotten, but need to paired with the things I have learned now. Pairing them together will make me strong, and I realize now that I’ve been missing an old Friend.
I’ve been missing my God.
I have all but ignored him for too long.
I love Him.
I Love Him.
And I can’t live with this hole any longer.
-Katie*
Monday, May 26, 2008
title: Resurrect Me by Jon Foreman
holy man that song is amazing! the summer ep is going to be amazing! just from the previews i'm thinking it may rival winter as my favorite...maybe. so i promise i won't ramble on about this ep, but know this: Resurrect Me is very Dirty Second Hands if you catch my drift.
so this weekend was lovely. for the first time in my seventeen years of life my parents not only let me stay alone overnight, but they let me stay alone for the weekend! i even got permission to have gihan over! it was so nice, i didn't even mind that they had leslie call me a few times a day...probably because it was leslie and i love her.
it was just nice to be alone i guess. i ate when i wanted, woke up when i wanted, and best of all: i didn't have to worry about shower time!
but that's not even what i'm thinking about right now. this is a blog i actually hesitate to write, simply because it's so deeply personal. it's one that i'm not sure i want to have read by anyone who comes across my page, but at the same time i want to be open. and i know that the quality of my writing goes up DRASTICALLY when i write for an "audience."
yeah i wimped out. maybe i'll write it later...but dont' hold your breath
-katie*
holy man that song is amazing! the summer ep is going to be amazing! just from the previews i'm thinking it may rival winter as my favorite...maybe. so i promise i won't ramble on about this ep, but know this: Resurrect Me is very Dirty Second Hands if you catch my drift.
so this weekend was lovely. for the first time in my seventeen years of life my parents not only let me stay alone overnight, but they let me stay alone for the weekend! i even got permission to have gihan over! it was so nice, i didn't even mind that they had leslie call me a few times a day...probably because it was leslie and i love her.
it was just nice to be alone i guess. i ate when i wanted, woke up when i wanted, and best of all: i didn't have to worry about shower time!
but that's not even what i'm thinking about right now. this is a blog i actually hesitate to write, simply because it's so deeply personal. it's one that i'm not sure i want to have read by anyone who comes across my page, but at the same time i want to be open. and i know that the quality of my writing goes up DRASTICALLY when i write for an "audience."
yeah i wimped out. maybe i'll write it later...but dont' hold your breath
-katie*
Thursday, May 22, 2008
title: The Cure for Pain by Jon Foreman
i was watching Grey's Anatomy today (the dangers of me not iming gihan all night) and it got me thinking. now granted, this was mostly because they played The Cure for Pain during one of the montages but the end result was the same. i started to think about that very first verse
I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes
why do things always go downhill? no matter how good something is, it'll always take that turn for the worst. the answer is fairly simple actually: if we never went downhill life would always be an uphill climb. with out the falling action the story of our lives would continually go up and up to an unreachable climax.
or is the climax death? is the time after death the falling action? or would that be the end of the story?
depends on your beliefs i suppose.
if life is a rollercoaster then there would have to be downs. nothing can stay good forever. this isn't meant to be pessimistic or even realistic. if anything i'm bordering on relentless optimism and ruthless idealism (credit: Jon Foreman...i can't steel the latter) because just because something takes that turn doesn't mean we have to give up on it.
every great leader in history has had ups and downs in their given journeys. downs are a part of life, and make the good times that much sweeter. life is fully of mysteries but that first statement in The Cure for Pain should not be one of them.
dark times aren't bad. in my somewhat warped thinking, they're more beautiful than light. maybe that's taking it too far in the other direction, but i'm still trying to find my middle ground.
i thought this would be a blog about crying...funny how things work out.
-katie*
i was watching Grey's Anatomy today (the dangers of me not iming gihan all night) and it got me thinking. now granted, this was mostly because they played The Cure for Pain during one of the montages but the end result was the same. i started to think about that very first verse
I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes
why do things always go downhill? no matter how good something is, it'll always take that turn for the worst. the answer is fairly simple actually: if we never went downhill life would always be an uphill climb. with out the falling action the story of our lives would continually go up and up to an unreachable climax.
or is the climax death? is the time after death the falling action? or would that be the end of the story?
depends on your beliefs i suppose.
if life is a rollercoaster then there would have to be downs. nothing can stay good forever. this isn't meant to be pessimistic or even realistic. if anything i'm bordering on relentless optimism and ruthless idealism (credit: Jon Foreman...i can't steel the latter) because just because something takes that turn doesn't mean we have to give up on it.
every great leader in history has had ups and downs in their given journeys. downs are a part of life, and make the good times that much sweeter. life is fully of mysteries but that first statement in The Cure for Pain should not be one of them.
dark times aren't bad. in my somewhat warped thinking, they're more beautiful than light. maybe that's taking it too far in the other direction, but i'm still trying to find my middle ground.
i thought this would be a blog about crying...funny how things work out.
-katie*
Thursday, May 15, 2008
title: This is Home by Switchfoot
so many conflicting emotions. i had a fairly relaxing day, nothing major happened, and i was happy enough. i pulled into my driveway with utter dread because of last night's events.
my dad wasn't home when i got there, but i only had fifteen minutes of peace before he made his entrance. dazed and detached he told me he and i were going to see the allergist in an hour. then he went to lie down, and i imed gihan for a while. soon it was time for us to head out to the allergist and he was still asleep. i told gihan i was afraid to wake him, but i was talked into it (well not really...but that's sounds best). the entire car ride over i was tense. just wondering what was going on...why so dazed? he kept trying to start conversation but i was still angry from the night before.
the appointment came and went without consequence and i decided that i couldn't take the silence of the previous car ride again. so i began to tell him about my day (one of his grievences from the night before) and once again he seemed completely bored. thanks dad. you want in on my life, you have to start with the boring details and work your way to the hard stuff.
so that totally sucked, and the rest of the afternoon just dragged on, until finally he and my sister had to leave for softball. my mom called saying that she was going straight to the game. i was a little disappointed that i wouldn't get to talk to her because i wanted to explain that i'd lied the night before. i told her that her argument with my dad isn't what bothered me, and i was just worried about kayla.
so after spending some lovely time with myself (no sarcasm. it really was lovely) my mom came home all mad because apparently my dad had been home all day (he was still in his uniform when i saw him, which is pretty sad). i was starting to get more angry with him.
by the time he got home i was just tired. it takes so much energy to be angry. combin this anger with my utter confusion with kayla and i was bound for exhaustion.
i was lying on the couch watching grey's anatomy when they started to argue again. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! that pissed me off. i was having a conversation in my head of what i wanted to be saying. they were mostly nasty things, and the few times i've actually let those out before have ended up with me shaking and in hysterics and my dad moaning about the disrespect. it wasn't exactly on top of my list of things to do.
my mom came in just a little while ago to talk to me about kayla. i came so very close to telling her about what robbie did...but i'm still not 100% sure i even believe her. she's lied to many times for me to believe everything she says. the conversation between my mom and i evolved into us talking about my dad.
she wants me to try therapy again. she said i'm old enough to decide for myself so she won't make me, but she "encourages me" to go, and kept mentioning that eventually we'd all have to meet together. i still don't want to go. i hated therapy. my mom did point out that when i went things were much more calm in our house because my dad was gone and had been gone for quite some time. at the time, my biggest issue was my friends, and not my dad's ridiculous behavior.
that doesn't exactly change anything though. i still don't want to go.
then i signed on myspace only to be greeted by a blog from mr. tworkowski. and a particularly good one at that. i felt so much hope. so now as i listen to This is Home by Switchfoot on repeat (and have been for the last half hour) i'm feeling fairly hopeful.
it's exhausting have so many emotions in one day, but it's what makes me human and at some point i wouldn't change it for the world.
"i've got a brand new mindset, i can see the sunset, i'm going to call it home"-This is Home by Switchfoot
-katie*
so many conflicting emotions. i had a fairly relaxing day, nothing major happened, and i was happy enough. i pulled into my driveway with utter dread because of last night's events.
my dad wasn't home when i got there, but i only had fifteen minutes of peace before he made his entrance. dazed and detached he told me he and i were going to see the allergist in an hour. then he went to lie down, and i imed gihan for a while. soon it was time for us to head out to the allergist and he was still asleep. i told gihan i was afraid to wake him, but i was talked into it (well not really...but that's sounds best). the entire car ride over i was tense. just wondering what was going on...why so dazed? he kept trying to start conversation but i was still angry from the night before.
the appointment came and went without consequence and i decided that i couldn't take the silence of the previous car ride again. so i began to tell him about my day (one of his grievences from the night before) and once again he seemed completely bored. thanks dad. you want in on my life, you have to start with the boring details and work your way to the hard stuff.
so that totally sucked, and the rest of the afternoon just dragged on, until finally he and my sister had to leave for softball. my mom called saying that she was going straight to the game. i was a little disappointed that i wouldn't get to talk to her because i wanted to explain that i'd lied the night before. i told her that her argument with my dad isn't what bothered me, and i was just worried about kayla.
so after spending some lovely time with myself (no sarcasm. it really was lovely) my mom came home all mad because apparently my dad had been home all day (he was still in his uniform when i saw him, which is pretty sad). i was starting to get more angry with him.
by the time he got home i was just tired. it takes so much energy to be angry. combin this anger with my utter confusion with kayla and i was bound for exhaustion.
i was lying on the couch watching grey's anatomy when they started to argue again. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! that pissed me off. i was having a conversation in my head of what i wanted to be saying. they were mostly nasty things, and the few times i've actually let those out before have ended up with me shaking and in hysterics and my dad moaning about the disrespect. it wasn't exactly on top of my list of things to do.
my mom came in just a little while ago to talk to me about kayla. i came so very close to telling her about what robbie did...but i'm still not 100% sure i even believe her. she's lied to many times for me to believe everything she says. the conversation between my mom and i evolved into us talking about my dad.
she wants me to try therapy again. she said i'm old enough to decide for myself so she won't make me, but she "encourages me" to go, and kept mentioning that eventually we'd all have to meet together. i still don't want to go. i hated therapy. my mom did point out that when i went things were much more calm in our house because my dad was gone and had been gone for quite some time. at the time, my biggest issue was my friends, and not my dad's ridiculous behavior.
that doesn't exactly change anything though. i still don't want to go.
then i signed on myspace only to be greeted by a blog from mr. tworkowski. and a particularly good one at that. i felt so much hope. so now as i listen to This is Home by Switchfoot on repeat (and have been for the last half hour) i'm feeling fairly hopeful.
it's exhausting have so many emotions in one day, but it's what makes me human and at some point i wouldn't change it for the world.
"i've got a brand new mindset, i can see the sunset, i'm going to call it home"-This is Home by Switchfoot
-katie*
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
title: The Way She Feels by Between the Trees
i'm so angry. so very very angry.
i told my mom last night that the things my dad had done in the past don't bother me anymore. then today happened and i began to question that statement. but i'm standing by it. what bothers me is what happened today. the moping around because his daughters don't tell him every detail of their days the second he comes home. because when he pushes they respond defensively. because when no one talks to him, he knows it's his fault.
we've been taught by his past behavior that you don't talk to him. you don't tell him about your day because you don't know if which person he'll be. it used to be that you worried if he was drunk or not. now you worry if he's angry or fine. you never know. it's a coin toss everyday.
so i like to take a few hours to myself after school. i'm that kind of person. i need to be alone from time to time or i'll go crazy. i exhaust myself loving people, so taking time to myself shouldn't be such an issue.
FUCK!!!!! FUCK! SHIT! DAMN! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!
I'M SO RIDICULOUSLY ANGRY!!!!! HE DOESN'T CARE! HE'S SO FUCKING SELFISH!
i can't decide which is worse, missing him or living with him.
and then there's kayla. after dinner (the perfect time to argue with your wife right? the dinner table while your daughter sits between you trapped, wishing the whole time that you'd just shut you fucking mouth for once and listen) she called me. keep that in mind, she called me.
yes, i talked about myself for the first few minutes, because i was fucking pissed. after a whopping three minutes (literally, i just looked at my call record) she suddenly "had to go."
i'm not totally heartless. i know kayla's grounded from her phone at the moment. i know that it's very possible that her mom came home, and she almost got caught, but does that really make it better? why the hell did she call in the first place? why does she have to sneak around? WHY DOES SHE PICK FIGHTS!?!!! i can't handle this anymore.
i don't want to be angry anymore. i was so happy this morning. that's totally gone now. i want to talk to someone, but i don't want to do to someone else what kayla and my dad do to me.
i don't want to be that fucking selfish.
peace out
-katie*
i'm so angry. so very very angry.
i told my mom last night that the things my dad had done in the past don't bother me anymore. then today happened and i began to question that statement. but i'm standing by it. what bothers me is what happened today. the moping around because his daughters don't tell him every detail of their days the second he comes home. because when he pushes they respond defensively. because when no one talks to him, he knows it's his fault.
we've been taught by his past behavior that you don't talk to him. you don't tell him about your day because you don't know if which person he'll be. it used to be that you worried if he was drunk or not. now you worry if he's angry or fine. you never know. it's a coin toss everyday.
so i like to take a few hours to myself after school. i'm that kind of person. i need to be alone from time to time or i'll go crazy. i exhaust myself loving people, so taking time to myself shouldn't be such an issue.
FUCK!!!!! FUCK! SHIT! DAMN! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!
I'M SO RIDICULOUSLY ANGRY!!!!! HE DOESN'T CARE! HE'S SO FUCKING SELFISH!
i can't decide which is worse, missing him or living with him.
and then there's kayla. after dinner (the perfect time to argue with your wife right? the dinner table while your daughter sits between you trapped, wishing the whole time that you'd just shut you fucking mouth for once and listen) she called me. keep that in mind, she called me.
yes, i talked about myself for the first few minutes, because i was fucking pissed. after a whopping three minutes (literally, i just looked at my call record) she suddenly "had to go."
i'm not totally heartless. i know kayla's grounded from her phone at the moment. i know that it's very possible that her mom came home, and she almost got caught, but does that really make it better? why the hell did she call in the first place? why does she have to sneak around? WHY DOES SHE PICK FIGHTS!?!!! i can't handle this anymore.
i don't want to be angry anymore. i was so happy this morning. that's totally gone now. i want to talk to someone, but i don't want to do to someone else what kayla and my dad do to me.
i don't want to be that fucking selfish.
peace out
-katie*
Monday, May 12, 2008
title: Little You and I by Jason Mraz
haha i love the serious dosage of jason mraz i've got going here. sorry he's awesome!
so i'm feeling like a total bitch. like, what the hell katie, why so cruel? but at the same time i'm feeling like i care too much, like i'm too nice, and i deserve to be bitchy.
i should explain.
in the past months it has become clear to me that james likes me. it's clear to everyone else too. it's beyond annoying. james always goes for unavailable girls. ALWAYS!!! i am in no way unhappy with my current status. i do not want a change.
TWILIGHT REFERENCE!
gihan is like edward, i'm like bella and james is jacob. if you've read eclipse you'll get the reference. fuck jacob.
so james posted a blog today about how he feels and it was so obviously aimed at me. on saturday i told him to stop talking because i was completely exhausted from his near constant stream of senseless words. like he doesn't stop. and i just couldn't handle the shadow anymore, so i told him to be quiet. that shouldn't be considered a mean thing. it shouldn't be horrible to make that request, so why do i feel that way?
james claimed he wasn't blaming anyone in his blog, but he totally was. he blamed everyone but himself. like because he doesn't get invited to things he has less social experience and therefore he doesn't know how to act. now honestly!
i'm not the most social person in the world, certain social situations have given me panic attacks, but being in school should be enough for a person to figure out how to interact with people. mumbling to yourself through the halls doesn't say "come talk to me, i have a lot to say" it says "i'm insane, you should stay back and ignore my babbling"
Hey Love, Jason Mraz
Hey love, where you going to?
You're not sleeping anymore, you're just trying to.
Stay love, where you running to?
Awful happens all the time, don't let it kill you.
Easily with me I feel as fast as I can see..
Afraid of the horror stories I fall down on my knees.
Come away, come away
From all these things unheard
If a chosen word has got you cornered
Then it's a lesson learned
Like close the book before it burns you.
Come away, come away
From all these things unseen
At the price you paid I promise you won't believe anything they say
Belief will only disappoint you
In case you never noticed the path you never chose has chosen you.
Afraid to face and break it.
The secret
haha i love the serious dosage of jason mraz i've got going here. sorry he's awesome!
so i'm feeling like a total bitch. like, what the hell katie, why so cruel? but at the same time i'm feeling like i care too much, like i'm too nice, and i deserve to be bitchy.
i should explain.
in the past months it has become clear to me that james likes me. it's clear to everyone else too. it's beyond annoying. james always goes for unavailable girls. ALWAYS!!! i am in no way unhappy with my current status. i do not want a change.
TWILIGHT REFERENCE!
gihan is like edward, i'm like bella and james is jacob. if you've read eclipse you'll get the reference. fuck jacob.
so james posted a blog today about how he feels and it was so obviously aimed at me. on saturday i told him to stop talking because i was completely exhausted from his near constant stream of senseless words. like he doesn't stop. and i just couldn't handle the shadow anymore, so i told him to be quiet. that shouldn't be considered a mean thing. it shouldn't be horrible to make that request, so why do i feel that way?
james claimed he wasn't blaming anyone in his blog, but he totally was. he blamed everyone but himself. like because he doesn't get invited to things he has less social experience and therefore he doesn't know how to act. now honestly!
i'm not the most social person in the world, certain social situations have given me panic attacks, but being in school should be enough for a person to figure out how to interact with people. mumbling to yourself through the halls doesn't say "come talk to me, i have a lot to say" it says "i'm insane, you should stay back and ignore my babbling"
Hey Love, Jason Mraz
Hey love, where you going to?
You're not sleeping anymore, you're just trying to.
Stay love, where you running to?
Awful happens all the time, don't let it kill you.
Easily with me I feel as fast as I can see..
Afraid of the horror stories I fall down on my knees.
Come away, come away
From all these things unheard
If a chosen word has got you cornered
Then it's a lesson learned
Like close the book before it burns you.
Come away, come away
From all these things unseen
At the price you paid I promise you won't believe anything they say
Belief will only disappoint you
In case you never noticed the path you never chose has chosen you.
Afraid to face and break it.
The secret
Sunday, May 11, 2008
title: Running by Jason Mraz
i fell in love with mr. a-z today.
so i was talking to gihan today, and he said that maybe the reason i wasn't writing was because my standards were too high. like because i haven't written in so long i feel like whatever i write has to be perfect, and/or amazing. and every time i start to write, that doesn't happen and i give up. at first i thought he was way off, but now i'm not so sure.
in fact i'm 99% sure he's right. how sad is that? to let perfectionism get in the way of my passion?
lameness.
so i'm just kind writing now. nothing in particular. no motives, no nothing. just writing.
he'll kill me, because i'm sure he'll read this. and i'm sure it'll be cheesy, but it's what's been on my mind lately so i'm going to write about the last four months with a certain boy.
four months ago today i went on my first date ever. i'll never forget the oh so romantic way he asked, "i figured i should grow a pair and ask you"
charming.
we walked around o'connell for a while just talking. and that's what we did for a long time. just talked. i love that. i still hadn't been kissed before good friday.
now i'm feeling like i want to give up on this post again. like it isn't going where i want it to because i can't accurately describe my feelings. when did i become so technical?
i swear school is sucking out my soul. slowly but surely. it'll all be over soon, but honestly i don't know how to cope sometimes. i've wanted to cry so many times, but as usual i couldn't.
i confuse myself like no other. here i thought writing about gihan would be easy, but it totally wasn't. i thought because i spend so much thinking about him that it'd be like a release...but maybe i don't want to release. somethings are meant to stay inside. i dont' really know...
well i guess i'll apologize for the middle then. i was trying to hard, and i didn't need to be. i think this flow of thoughts is working about better. it's like a play by play of what runs through my head.
i should sleep now, and my laptop is dying. i'll post a jason mraz song:
1000 Things, by Jason Mraz
I'm overjoyed and over loved and feeling lucky
Like a little boy who's hiding under covers
And looking to discover any way to play the part inside his darkened cave
Well the meaning of life it starts at the nightlight
Close your eyes and hope to see mine
Well I've seen a thousand things in one place
But I stopped my counting when I saw your face
Erasing memory I feel as though I've never seen a face before
Until I saw your eyes smiling back at me thru my tears
I've been counting all these years
Now suddenly the thousand things I've seen were
Nothing more than dreams of you and me
You and me quietly at a stand still
Fortunately you will kiss me and I'll kiss you back
Fact of the matter of is that I don't know what the latter is
That I always wanted to kiss you but I always wanted to run from you
Because I always wanted to miss you
And that I've always wanted to come for you
So... how do you do?
-katie*
i fell in love with mr. a-z today.
so i was talking to gihan today, and he said that maybe the reason i wasn't writing was because my standards were too high. like because i haven't written in so long i feel like whatever i write has to be perfect, and/or amazing. and every time i start to write, that doesn't happen and i give up. at first i thought he was way off, but now i'm not so sure.
in fact i'm 99% sure he's right. how sad is that? to let perfectionism get in the way of my passion?
lameness.
so i'm just kind writing now. nothing in particular. no motives, no nothing. just writing.
he'll kill me, because i'm sure he'll read this. and i'm sure it'll be cheesy, but it's what's been on my mind lately so i'm going to write about the last four months with a certain boy.
four months ago today i went on my first date ever. i'll never forget the oh so romantic way he asked, "i figured i should grow a pair and ask you"
charming.
we walked around o'connell for a while just talking. and that's what we did for a long time. just talked. i love that. i still hadn't been kissed before good friday.
now i'm feeling like i want to give up on this post again. like it isn't going where i want it to because i can't accurately describe my feelings. when did i become so technical?
i swear school is sucking out my soul. slowly but surely. it'll all be over soon, but honestly i don't know how to cope sometimes. i've wanted to cry so many times, but as usual i couldn't.
i confuse myself like no other. here i thought writing about gihan would be easy, but it totally wasn't. i thought because i spend so much thinking about him that it'd be like a release...but maybe i don't want to release. somethings are meant to stay inside. i dont' really know...
well i guess i'll apologize for the middle then. i was trying to hard, and i didn't need to be. i think this flow of thoughts is working about better. it's like a play by play of what runs through my head.
i should sleep now, and my laptop is dying. i'll post a jason mraz song:
1000 Things, by Jason Mraz
I'm overjoyed and over loved and feeling lucky
Like a little boy who's hiding under covers
And looking to discover any way to play the part inside his darkened cave
Well the meaning of life it starts at the nightlight
Close your eyes and hope to see mine
Well I've seen a thousand things in one place
But I stopped my counting when I saw your face
Erasing memory I feel as though I've never seen a face before
Until I saw your eyes smiling back at me thru my tears
I've been counting all these years
Now suddenly the thousand things I've seen were
Nothing more than dreams of you and me
You and me quietly at a stand still
Fortunately you will kiss me and I'll kiss you back
Fact of the matter of is that I don't know what the latter is
That I always wanted to kiss you but I always wanted to run from you
Because I always wanted to miss you
And that I've always wanted to come for you
So... how do you do?
-katie*