i am so confused. i had a series of dreams that kind of concern me.

the first, i was getting married. i was the same age i am now, it seemed to be spring. i was running around my house trying to make sure everything would be perfect. i put my dress on, and walked out the front door of my house. first there was a white carriage to take me away, but suddenly it turned brown. i started to freak (as every bride i swore i'd never be would), but when i turned around a a long white limo was waiting. my driveway was covered in flowers. my dress was pretty (not my favorite style, but still pretty).

the next dream was different. it was the reception. my "husband" was all i could think about. the rest of the room was a blur, all that was still was his face. he's all i cared about. he's all i wanted, and i could wait for my life with him.

the next confused me the most. i was in the car with my mom, on my way to my new home. when i got there, my aunt kim opened the door. she was the one who'd gotten married, and i, for an unknown reason, was living with them. she had just gotten married to the man i had married in the previous dream, but i was jealous. i didn't feel wronged, so the dreamed couldn't have been connected. it was odd, but i wwas really excited to be living there.

i think i have this one figured out. i'm lonely. i'm insanely lonely. the marriage thing has a lot to do with a few things. one, i miss my boyfriend. i miss gihan so terribly, and i know i'll see him in six days, but it's feeling really hard lately. please note that my "husband" in the second dream was not gihan (actually, i'm quite embarassed to say it was dr. mcdreamy from grey's anatomy), but i've been so deprived of that kind of companionship, the extreme of marriage makes sense (as long as it's in dream form). the third i believe illustrates my need for a happy stable family. the divorce is really taking a toll on me. i feel like nothing is happening.

so basically i'm lonely, and i'm have weird marriage dreams. i wish they'd come back, i was so happy and relaxed.

-katie*

title: Overkill by Colin Hay

people can be so upsetting. i share five of my six classes with two girls who i have, in the last week, grown to dispise. these are two girls i once considered casual friends. never again.
these girls are vicious and can talk of nothing else than other people's insecurities.
thankfully i think i'm safe. i seriously doubt i'm even worth their mention, and i refuse to get close enough to change that.
then there's another friend. we were fairly close once. not anymore. he's become hard and jaded and i refuse, REFUSE to be anywhere near someone who would opt out of emotion.
then today my mom gave a ten minute heads up about my dad coming over.
MY FATHER! yeah, the one I'M NOT SPEAKING TO!
that pissed me off royally. and now she's out to dinner with him. i thought they were getting a divorce. i thought she was angry with him to. apparently i was wrong.
i feel so betrayed.
she has time to go out to dinner with my dad, but she hasn't made my doctor's appointment. the doctor's appointment only one person outside my family knows about.
i'm afraid to see the doctor. but i'm more afraid not to.
it's getting so hard to hide it all.
i just need a break from fake bitches.

i'm so fucking over this shit.
-katie*

title: Silent Sea by KT Tunstall

i'm feeling really alone. i'm feeling really frustrated. i'm feeling irritable. i'm feeling angry. i'm feeling abandoned. i'm feeling neglected. i'm feeling taken advantage of. i'm feeling like no one cares. i'm feeling hurt. and most of all i'm feeling tired.

i know the "no one cares" bit is a lie, so please please please don't contact me and go on and on about all of these people that care about me and want to help me. i get really sick of everyone taking my words for their obvious interpretation. i mean each of those thing literally. those are my feelings. feelings i should not apologize for. feeling that should not be taken personally to anyone who happens to read this.

i feel like i won't be happy again, and i feel like no one is taking care of me. part of that is my own independence. it's really hard for me to accept help. it's really REALLY hard for me to trust people, and right now i'm just tired and i want to hide away from everyone else. i feel like when i try to distract myself by helping someone else i get pushed away. i'm just fucking sick of everything.

i'm so angry. i hate being angry. i hate negative feelings but they're drowning me.

i hate this. i hate this i hate this i hate this
i want out
i want to be done

-katie*