title: Music Box by Thrice

yikes i'm confused. yesterday morning gihan got some bad news, and he's been pretty upset ever since, bouncing between disappointment, anger and sadness. at first i just let him be, but eventually it started to affect me too.

it was particularly evident at work last night. he was very quiet, and i just wasn't sure what to do. i didn't know what to say, and i was so unsure of how to handle that situation. all i could say was "i love you" and "this will be over soon" again and again.

he says he's better now, but i'm still bothered. part of it is i never really set out to love him. i thought our relationship would got for a month or two and we'd run out of things to do/talk about or get terribly annoyed with each other. none of those things have happened. part of me is bothered that i let it bother me. another part is glad i care about someone that much. overall i'm confused as to which feeling is correct...

i was trying to explain this to kayla earlier. i do NOT like him being in pain. not one bit. i do not like him being quiet. i don't like him being angry, even if it isn't with me. i do not like it, it's uncomfortable and i just dont' like the feeling. i want my gihan back.

i want to hold him.

damn...i love him don't i? like for real. that is not what i meant to do. i didn't mean for that to happen...but i really really love him...more than i originally thought.

funny how these things happpen.
-katie*

Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol

it's been awhile hasn't it? i'd love to say that's it's because i've been busy, but i'd be lying.

another season of change.
so i've decided that i'm a terribly backwards person. rehab=peace, divorce=love, and depression=beauty. what. the. fuck.

a few of you understand the closeness of that middle one to me. you might as well know. everything was made official on thursday as my sister had her braces on.

after dropping evelyn off my mom met with a lawyer named laurie (or lori...i can't remember) and signed the papers that would drastically change our lives.

yeah, my parents are getting divorced. i suppose this is the first time i've really acknowledged this so calmly. i mean i remember when i told gihan, i was falsely calm. when i told nick i was quiet. when i told marissa i was in hysterics. and technically i never told kayla, she just knew.

i'm not sad. i'm a little nervous about the change, but mostly i'm excited. is that sick? i dont' think it is...i've always like change, adn this is a new start. so far everyone whose found out has asked about details like the house, adn custody and such, but i'm not really concerned with those things.

the chaos isn't over. we're actually in a weird period right now. my dad doesn't know. my mom hasn't told evelyn yet either...i'm not sure how i feel about that.

the shit will it the fan soon, but i think this is a good thing. my life as been hell, and it'll be nice to have some real peace.

prayers are always welcome (and needed in the case of my dad)

i love you all
-katie*

ps- i'll write more about the divorce=love thing

title: Death and All His Friends by Coldplay

Dear (katie),

The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don't have to write back. You don't have to explain. This is not about being right. There is something true in the song that you can't stop listening to. You don't feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when Aaron sings that song. Someone calling you a criminal does not make you a criminal, just as someone calling you a hero does not make you a hero. Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.

And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.

These things deserve your attention: Your family, your friends, the people you will meet today, the strangers with their stories. "We are all in this together." It is absolutely true. That girl with cancer in her stomach and chaos in her mind. She's with us. That guy with tears in his eyes and ghosts in his heart. He loved her, and you could see it. You could see it, and you told him it wasn't his to carry. You told him about grace, and you told him about the song. And you believed it. You were certain of it. So if it's true for him, then isn't it also true for you?

Wake up. You're alive.

Your Friend,
(katie)

PS: And that thing… I know you think about it a lot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. It never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. It's not your name. You are free.

*note: this was actually written by jamie tworkowski. the blog was titled Note to Self, and the places that say (katie) should say jamie. go to www.myspace.com/jamiewrites for more of his work