title: Boxing Day by Relient K

it's a day late but who cares. i just read jamie tworkowski's annual thanksgiving day blog and in it his posed a few questions that i think i'll take a minute to answer:

"What do you have to be thankful for?"
a few days ago i wouldn't have been able to answer this question. i would have told you that i didn't have much. i would have said i have my mom and my boyfriend to be thankful for. that's all.
but not today. firstly, i'd like to add the rest of my family and my friends to that list. oh they make me crazy, but i have them, and not everyone does. not everyone has crazy insane family and friends like mine, and i am grateful for them.
i am thankful for my house. i am thankful that for my car (whom i should treat to an oil change :D). i am thankful for my teachers (with special empahsis on a certain carol ottoson). i am thankful for my job. i am thankful that i am loved. i am thankful for the laughter i hear coming from my kitchen. i am thankful that i have a sweet little kitty that eats the flies in my house.
i am thankful for christmas music. i am thankful for so much. i could go on and on.

"Who do you love?"
well, i figure i'll get the obvious out of the way. gihan, i love you. if you didn't know that i am officially a shitty girlfriend. i mean honestly, between last night and the blog i wrote...i love you.
i love my family. particularly my mom and sister. my mom is one of the strongest people i have ever had the pleasure to know. but i get to know her even more than others because she's my mom. if i were into all that "strong woman" bullshit i'd have the best role model imaginable.
i love my friends. each of them differently, but love them i do. i love the deep and/or fangirly conversations i have with kayla. i love/hate the way marissa tries to take care of me and do what she thinks is best. she means well and i love her.
i love my lesbian lover jennageris. and all the rest. i love you guys.

"Who loves you?"
this is the best thing to be thankful for. not only do i get to love, but i am loved in return.
my mommy loves me. my family loves me. my friends love me.
and my boy loves me too :D.
that last one astonishes me the most. that i would get to love him so entirely and he returns it. completely. when i give, he gives back. it's a two way street. it's...amazing.

"Who needs you?"
i like this question. it's a tough one. i like it.
my mom needs me. i can tell. i try to be there for her, i try really hard, but i need to do better. i need to be better.
my sister needs me. a lot of the time i think she acts the way she does because she's worried about me leaving. it comes out in what she says. i have considered leaving so many times lately. but i stay, because they need me.
gihan needs me. if he loves me as much as i love him, i can say with the utmost of confidences that he needs me. i just hope i can be there.

"What are your dreams?"
i want to be happy. i want to live without the tightening in my chest. without the level of stress that i currently carry. i dream of a day when people allow others to live as they please (within reason...let's not hurt others, k?).
haha, that last one was so right to privacy meets martin luther king jr.
i dream of a time without judgment. i dream of making a difference in this world.
i dream of dancing with the man of my dreams (whoever he may be) at my wedding.
i dream a lot.

"What's worth fighting for?"
love is worth fighting for.
anything worth dying for is worth living for, and i would die for love.

"What's worth running after?"
love. love is worth chasing. love in every sense of the word is worth all fo the pain it comes with. it's worth it all. it is everything. it is the reason i breathe. Love. an abused word, but powerful just the same.

and one more jamie quote:
"Consider the air in your lungs. It will be gone one day, and these chapters will close. If i had to guess, i would say you're early in your story. There is still a lot of time for hope to happen, for change to find you, for love and beauty and truth and songs you haven't even heard yet."

answer these questions. they're really great for thinking.
-katie

title: Peace is Here by Jars of Clay

i'm in love. i am hopelessly in love.
and i hate it.
and i love it.
and i am so confused i can't even begin to explain.
i'm astonished that i, of all people, could trust someone so entirely. that i could love someone this much. but i do.
who knew. who knew that this would evolve this way.
when i decided to take that jump, to allow this opportunity, i assumed it would go a couple months and it'd end.
nope.
i went and fell in love.
i think about him all day.
when he's gone i count the days until he comes back.
but he's home now. he's home and i can breathe.
i feel like a cheesy teen romance novel.

gihan, you are the jasper to my alice. i love you.
-katie

title: Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron and Wine

mad love for iron and wine. no lie.

have you ever noticed that the first line after my title credit is regarding my opinion on the band or song? go figure.

today was a bit difficult for me. i generally don't do well with suprises...i dont' like changes in plans. i'm just not really okay with these things. i have come to cling to any shred of stability in my life i can find, and when that's disturbed, even if it is for the better, i struggle.

lately it's been really difficult for me to deal with people of differing opions. this is quite the problem to have seeing as how everyone has a different opinion on one thing or another. that's just life. but when someone mentions that they may disagree with an opinion i hold i take it as a personal jab. this doesn't go very well...it's exhausting.

it's just hard right now. why does life throw everything at me at once?

i should go. gihan may or may not be on his way here.
-katie

ps- he's home :D

title: Edward Bullen (Rob Pattinson)

i loved that part of the movie:
Edward: and so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Bella: what a stupid lamb.
Edward: what a sick, masochistic lion.

i dont' know, it was a decent movie. the books are way better, but i liked the movie well enough. i found another way i don't make much sense!

i'm so much a child, but so much more mature than 18. my mom was talking with steve today and i guess he complimented my views of faith. he said i "get it." that i'm so much more mature than most Christians. but i like twilight. i love that cheesy teenage stuff.

that's right! i admit it! i love the twilight saga, sara dessen books and even guitar girl!
i also enjoy grey's anatomy.

sue me.

the quest to finding yourself can be quite confusing
-katie

title: Something Is Not Right With Me by Cold War Kids

i have to say, i really like the cold war kids. not everyone does, but i do. sweet.

i don't know where this blog is going. i'm really writing to procrastinate on stats and english.

it bothers me that i'm this sick of school already. i'm tired of the people, and seems like everyone is tired of everyone else as well. and i just don't have patience for bomb threats. i'm not frustrated with the precautions being taken, i'm glad the administration takes these things seriously, but i'm really annoyed at the kiddies who did it. jerks.

it's just a little sad. everyone seems to hate everyone else in the good ol' class of '09. every once in a while (or every other day...) i'll be talking to someone and we'll just start bitching about everyone else. that's so petty, but it's what we do.

luckily i'm not sick of my teachers. mad props to panetti and otto specifically, for these great educators pwn n00bs. ha.

this blog is going nowhere fast. i have sometihng else on my mind i guess, but it's just an idea i have for a poem/song i'm thinking of writing. i just have to wait for a more high stress day (which will undoubtedly come soon, because i'm fairly certain i'm manic depressive).

i guess i'm done then...this was pointless.

just like school...

-katie

title: Supermassive Blackhole by Muse

this is so stupid. i feel like i don't have an "image." i feel schizophrenic. jenna and i talked about it a bit once. sometimes i feel like super mod, and sometimes boho. i feel like a Christian, i feel secular.

i feel like one big contradiction. and i'm not sure what to do about it.

i know in the long run image doesn't matter, and that no one really fits any one mold, but it'd be nice to not straddle the line for everything. am i insane? am i unable to focuse or do i lack the talent? am i smart but unmotivated or just not good enough? am i clingy or push away?

people say you find yourself in college, but i remain unconvinced. i'm so afraid of myself i don't even know what to do sometimes.

i just want to fit somewhere y'know?

-katie

title: Again by Jon Foreman

so i just watched this video called Tomato. it's from the nooma series by rob bell if you know anything about either person. it was actually pretty coolio. it's christian based so there is some Jesus talk of course, but i think the message is universal.

it was talking about dying to yourself. it talks about how life comes from dead things, and the only way to truly live is to let the bad parts of yourself die so the good parts can thrive. i thought that was cool. not a new idea but cool.

-katie

ps-you can watch the video for free at www.neueministry.com

title: Gypsy Girl by Everyday Sunday

i feel like this one will be short, but it is something i want to say. i have great friends. i really really do. i mean, there are a few who aren't treating me well, but there are also those who are making up for it, and i really really appriciate it.

jenna: you are a silly silly girl and i can't look at your face, but i love you. the comment you left on my last blog reminded me that i'm not crazy, that it IS okay for me to feel the way i feel about certain things. it can be hard being different, but it helps to have a friend like you.

kate: i miss you lady! your comment was on the same vein as jenna's and i appriciate for the same reasons. it made me smile to see your name.

james: you frustrate me sir, and sometimes you will say something completely serious and i'll laugh because it's always uniquely you. you're a good friend in your own special way, because hey, that's just your style.

kayla: even though i know you dont' read this, the other night was really fun. you frustrate the hell out of me, but somehow i can't stay mad at you. one of these days we're going to go for a long walk at night in my neighborhood again and solve the world's problems. i miss that.

tony: you won't read this either BUT...i'm still not telling you who we're setting you up with!

gihan: i had to put you last love, but you are certainly not the least. you are there for me always even when i'm being an unconsolable bitch. you wait so patiently for me to sort myself out and love me just the same. you are the greatest boyfriend i could even imagine. finding you is truly one of the greatest things i've ever done. i can't wait until i can see you again! i'll write you a letter tonight.

hmmm...a little longer than i thought, but heartfelt just the same!
-katie

title: Decode by Paramore

i'm so angry. i am soooooooooo angry.

firstly, on thursday i asked marissa if she was going to the play on friday because kayla and i were going to go that day. she said she couldnt' because she had to clean her house for thanksgiving. a weak excuse, but whatever. then jordyn asked her a while later and she said she was hanging out with katie zap that night, so she wasn't sure. DON'T LIE TO ME! does she really think i'm that awful? that i wouldn't be okay with her seeing a friend who came home from college? because that's fine, it's the lying i'm pissed about.
then to make matters worse, when we were at the play, kayla and i waved to katie and marissa, and katie waved back. marissa ignored us completely.
you know, i can deal with the thought of a friend drifting away. i really can, but it's when they pretend they're making an effort that i'm bothered. she pretends like she's too busy for me, when in reality, she doesn't try. she told jordyn (right in front of me) that she went from having a free weekend to a full one during fifth hour. she told me she was too busy well before then. if she doesn't want to be around me, then fine. just don't pretend like you're trying.

secondly, remember that website i talked about a while ago (the blog about the girl that died)? well we were talking about the election, and have been for a while. well, the site is made up of christians so you can imagine that most of them are republicans and think obama is the anti-christ. and you know, i dont' care. but now that obama has won, can we stop whining? how come they can criticize people for not supporting bush, because "he's our president and deserves it" but they dont' have support obama for the same reason? i thought mike said it best, "i support the president until he gives me a reason not to,"
then i was told i'm not a real christian because i'm pro-choice. what the fuck.

lastly and then i promise i'm done, would everyone please back the hell off with their opinions aobut me and my dad. i have made the decision not to have any contact with him for my own health and sanity. i dno't care if you think i should respect him. i did respect him, thta ship has sailed. if anyone had any idea what it's been like to grow up like this, to not respect your own father, they'd shut up. i'm doing what's best for me, i would appriciate it if i wasn't thrown under the bus for protecting myself.

i'm just sick of all the judgment. i'm sick of the lying. i'm sick of fakeness.

and i'm pissed.
-katie

i just wanted to post this quote because i really like it:

"...music comes from childhood bike rides down steep hills, the valleys of real tragedy, the rivers of hope pushing you on, sincere prayers, wind chimes on a back porch where grandfathers rock in silence, the back of cereal boxes on Saturday mornings, rust and shadows in an old barn, wet pavement after rain in the city, a string full of caught fish, the advice of generations before, the way love will surprise you in someone you’ve known for years, a bullheaded grip on lifelong friendship, and the offering of an open hand."
-Zach Williams's About Me on myspace

that's all.
-katie*