title: Southbound Train by Jon Foreman

so i’ve started posting quite a few times today. mostly out of boredom, once out of sadness, and now out of longing.

it’s be a lonely weekend. i really need to write my international relations paper but i can’t settle on a topic, gihan’s out with friends (which i’m happy about, i just wish i could have friends too) and my mind won’t stop running. i think i’ll combine my thoughts of the day into this one post. this could be long, settle in.

first things first: my title. i haven’t listened to this song in i don’t know how long but it’s truly amazing. i simply love this song. i love the lyrics. i love the music. i love it. you should listen to it. moving on…

earlier i read an article about pete from the prior lake american. it’s so heartbreaking but it was interesting to me to hear some of the insights into why he died. the note he left has been haunting me all day “mom and dad i love you but i’m insane.” i know the feeling. for years i struggled with a very basic sense of reality. i’ve grown out of it (for the most part) but i will never get over the feeling of suddenly realizing that i’m a human being, that i’m real, that i’m not just a character in my own mind.

i’ve always been stuck in my own head (this is probably why i like scrubs so much), but at times it’s frightened even myself. i won’t go into detail, the fact are still too private to share, but needless to say i can understand pete’s struggle with self-doubt and depression. i think we all can honestly. i know it seems like depression is over-diagnosed, but maybe the reality is that we’re all depressed. i, myself have been through a lot the past few years. emotional and verbal abuse, two suicides, divorce and a possible struggle with sanity. that’s pretty heavy considering i’m not yet twenty.

i’m a lonely person. i love people, and i love helping them but being around them exhausts me. being in college has been such a challenge because i’m forced to be with people at all times and yet i still feel as though i’m on the sidelines. my mom and i have talked about anxiety medication, because honestly i’m tired of being left out (or leaving myself out, i should say) and this is really the last straw.

pete’s parents said that pete struggled with the transition to college too. when i was telling my own mom earlier today she told me that she worries the same for evelyn and me. i know i personally don’t harbor any resentment towards my mom, and i seriously doubt my sister does either. my mom is easily one of my greatest heroes. she has put everything on the line time and time again for the safety of herself and her children. i love my mother more than anything (perhaps i should save the rest of this thought for a mother’s day post). i used to worry that i would never find my “groove” in college, but i feel like i’m definitely on the right path. it took a year, but i’m finally comfortable.

i’ve been angry the past few days. there has been a lot of rudeness and negativity surrounding me, and i just don’t tolerate it that well. i’m feeling better, but it’s been rough. i can’t stand intentional rudeness as a means of getting attention. i won’t stand for it. i also won’t stand for intolerance, so this is something i’m working on (i am afterall, the queen of contradiction).

i think this is all for now, i’m losing track of where i wanted to go so i think this is a good place to end.

-katie

ps- to those who have accused me of having a "tantrum" or being a hypocrite in my last two posts know that i was angry when i wrote both, but both were my true feelings so it really hurts when people call me out unnecessarily. i'm a rational human being, but i try to keep this blog as raw as possible, so if what i'm saying sounds angry, chances are i was mad when i wrote it. no need to criticize or point out the obvious, chances are i already know and don't need a random person i've never met bringing me down further.