title: The Way She Feels by Between the Trees

i'm so angry. so very very angry.

i told my mom last night that the things my dad had done in the past don't bother me anymore. then today happened and i began to question that statement. but i'm standing by it. what bothers me is what happened today. the moping around because his daughters don't tell him every detail of their days the second he comes home. because when he pushes they respond defensively. because when no one talks to him, he knows it's his fault.

we've been taught by his past behavior that you don't talk to him. you don't tell him about your day because you don't know if which person he'll be. it used to be that you worried if he was drunk or not. now you worry if he's angry or fine. you never know. it's a coin toss everyday.

so i like to take a few hours to myself after school. i'm that kind of person. i need to be alone from time to time or i'll go crazy. i exhaust myself loving people, so taking time to myself shouldn't be such an issue.

FUCK!!!!! FUCK! SHIT! DAMN! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!

I'M SO RIDICULOUSLY ANGRY!!!!! HE DOESN'T CARE! HE'S SO FUCKING SELFISH!

i can't decide which is worse, missing him or living with him.

and then there's kayla. after dinner (the perfect time to argue with your wife right? the dinner table while your daughter sits between you trapped, wishing the whole time that you'd just shut you fucking mouth for once and listen) she called me. keep that in mind, she called me.

yes, i talked about myself for the first few minutes, because i was fucking pissed. after a whopping three minutes (literally, i just looked at my call record) she suddenly "had to go."

i'm not totally heartless. i know kayla's grounded from her phone at the moment. i know that it's very possible that her mom came home, and she almost got caught, but does that really make it better? why the hell did she call in the first place? why does she have to sneak around? WHY DOES SHE PICK FIGHTS!?!!! i can't handle this anymore.

i don't want to be angry anymore. i was so happy this morning. that's totally gone now. i want to talk to someone, but i don't want to do to someone else what kayla and my dad do to me.

i don't want to be that fucking selfish.

peace out
-katie*