title: This is Home by Switchfoot

so many conflicting emotions. i had a fairly relaxing day, nothing major happened, and i was happy enough. i pulled into my driveway with utter dread because of last night's events.

my dad wasn't home when i got there, but i only had fifteen minutes of peace before he made his entrance. dazed and detached he told me he and i were going to see the allergist in an hour. then he went to lie down, and i imed gihan for a while. soon it was time for us to head out to the allergist and he was still asleep. i told gihan i was afraid to wake him, but i was talked into it (well not really...but that's sounds best). the entire car ride over i was tense. just wondering what was going on...why so dazed? he kept trying to start conversation but i was still angry from the night before.

the appointment came and went without consequence and i decided that i couldn't take the silence of the previous car ride again. so i began to tell him about my day (one of his grievences from the night before) and once again he seemed completely bored. thanks dad. you want in on my life, you have to start with the boring details and work your way to the hard stuff.

so that totally sucked, and the rest of the afternoon just dragged on, until finally he and my sister had to leave for softball. my mom called saying that she was going straight to the game. i was a little disappointed that i wouldn't get to talk to her because i wanted to explain that i'd lied the night before. i told her that her argument with my dad isn't what bothered me, and i was just worried about kayla.

so after spending some lovely time with myself (no sarcasm. it really was lovely) my mom came home all mad because apparently my dad had been home all day (he was still in his uniform when i saw him, which is pretty sad). i was starting to get more angry with him.

by the time he got home i was just tired. it takes so much energy to be angry. combin this anger with my utter confusion with kayla and i was bound for exhaustion.

i was lying on the couch watching grey's anatomy when they started to argue again. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! that pissed me off. i was having a conversation in my head of what i wanted to be saying. they were mostly nasty things, and the few times i've actually let those out before have ended up with me shaking and in hysterics and my dad moaning about the disrespect. it wasn't exactly on top of my list of things to do.

my mom came in just a little while ago to talk to me about kayla. i came so very close to telling her about what robbie did...but i'm still not 100% sure i even believe her. she's lied to many times for me to believe everything she says. the conversation between my mom and i evolved into us talking about my dad.

she wants me to try therapy again. she said i'm old enough to decide for myself so she won't make me, but she "encourages me" to go, and kept mentioning that eventually we'd all have to meet together. i still don't want to go. i hated therapy. my mom did point out that when i went things were much more calm in our house because my dad was gone and had been gone for quite some time. at the time, my biggest issue was my friends, and not my dad's ridiculous behavior.

that doesn't exactly change anything though. i still don't want to go.

then i signed on myspace only to be greeted by a blog from mr. tworkowski. and a particularly good one at that. i felt so much hope. so now as i listen to This is Home by Switchfoot on repeat (and have been for the last half hour) i'm feeling fairly hopeful.

it's exhausting have so many emotions in one day, but it's what makes me human and at some point i wouldn't change it for the world.

"i've got a brand new mindset, i can see the sunset, i'm going to call it home"-This is Home by Switchfoot

-katie*