title: Modern Rarity by Moses Mayfield

why do the good ones always break up? honestly.

it's been well over a month. i haven't written for a number of reasons, but i guess the biggest reason is i didn't feel the need. today i feel the need. i can feel the cop out rising in my chest, but regardless, i feel the need to write this one out.

i can't describe how i've been feeling as of late. extreme stress and tension. angry, sadness, lonliness coupled with an intense desire to be alone at the same time. i've been excited about the future and devastated by the present. clinging to what i know while straining to see what's on the horizon.

i bit gihan's head off again last night. i feel so guilty. i feel like one of these days he's gonna look at me and say "you're not worth it. i'm done with this shit," and i wouldn't blame him.

god if i lost him i don't know what i'd do. i can't really think straight right now. i guess i'm just filling time until he wakes up. until he can reassure me that i am worth it. if he does.

we didn't get in a fight or anything. i'm probably worrying over nothing as usual, but i can't wait until i get that text that tells me everything will be okay.

in this quest for honestly i'm horribly frightened that they won't like who i actually am.
that he won't.

i know it seems silly because he knows me better than anyone. in the short time we've known each other he absolutely knows me the best. i tell him absolutely everything, and he always has an answer. he always has time to listen. he's always there, arms open waiting for me to calm down.

i'm so scared that he'll realize it doesn't have to be this way. i feel like i dont' give enough and take to much.

god i need to talk to him right now.
right. now.

-katie*