Title: It Ends Tonight by All American Rejects

And so it comes full circle. My past two springs are melding into one and I’m beginning to discover just a bit more of the person that is become Katie Baker. Last spring was about Love. Last spring was about God, and hope. Last spring I put together pieces of a long hard learned lesson, and made sense of who God is (or at least part of who He is).
Then this spring. This spring was about a different love. Love of man. I fell in love for the first time (romantically), and I’m still in over my head. Drowning in love, and enjoying ever fleeting second. I have learned to love people in a new way. A more effective way. I have learned that people take patience, and kindness. I learned that tough love is okay. I learned that loving someone, doesn’t mean giving them what they want, but what they need. I have learn many things these past two springs and tonight I realize the problem.
After last spring and all of my learning, I ran. I ran from everything I knew. I ran from my old friends. My old way of life. My God.
I ran from me.
I ran as far and as fast as I could, so that my past couldn’t hurt me. I ran so my demons wouldn’t determine my future. I ran. I ran until I hurt so much I collapsed.
I collapsed. I gave up on the Church, and what it had to offer. I decided that all Christians were wrong about God. I decided that these people could never truly understand the knowledge I’d acquired in previous years. I collapsed from the weight of everything life had thrown at me. I collapsed, but worse, I hid.
I hid.
I hid from the One who could heal me. I hid from my God, my best friend, because I believed that I wasn’t fit to be in His presence. I hid from my old friends, fearing their judgment. I hid from everything, and I never looked back.
I turned away.
I turned away from God, from the Church. I decided that life was going pretty well without, and that I’d eventually be fine doing it my way. In the beginning it was all about me and God. I prayed. I prayed and talked to the few friends I had left. But eventually that charade died. I have stopped praying. I have stopped talking. I ended it with no warning.
Tonight begins it.
Tonight begins a new chapter. A new chance to learn. A new life.
The things I learned last spring cannot be forgotten, but need to paired with the things I have learned now. Pairing them together will make me strong, and I realize now that I’ve been missing an old Friend.
I’ve been missing my God.
I have all but ignored him for too long.
I love Him.
I Love Him.
And I can’t live with this hole any longer.
-Katie*