title: Daylight to Break by Switchfoot

i've been debating all morning whether writing a blog or a letter to marissa would be the best course of action. for now the blog won, but there is a very good chance the letter will happen too before i'm finished.

i woke up at 2:41 this morning thirsty. not in a metaphorical sense, or a spiritual sense, but in a very real physical way. when i finally decided to leave the comfort of my warm bed to get some water i realized i was still angry from the night before. i yelled at my dad last night. it doesn't happen often that i snap at my father (some respect thing i guess) but when i do it's pretty serious. last night the anger inside me burned. my heart and stomach actually burned with anger. it was painful, but i knew it had to be said. unfortunately he left so i was shut down quickly before any real dialogue could take place. i thought i'd gotten over it, but there i was at a quarter to three in the morning still feeling a dull sting.

somewhere in this time i fell asleep again and found myself waking up at exactly 4:22 (so close to 4:12!) but it wasn't the same awakening as before. before i was still groggy and unwilling to open my eyes, but this second time i was wide awake. i heard something. it was then that i remembered my window had been open all night, but that wasn't what had caught my attention. it was the birds. did you know birds sing at 4:22 in the morning? i didn't! but it's true, there were tons of them singing there hearts out in the trees beyond in the wee hours of the morning.

i began to cry. for some reason this brought out the loneliness i had felt last night. last night just after my "talk" with my dad i texted gihan, but he was off to a movie, i would have called kayla but she doesn't listen, my mom was clearly out of the question (nearing hysterics), and marissa was(is) miles away in chicago. it was then that i realized i had absolutely no one to turn to. not one person could have been there for me last night. this loneliness was realized again around 4:30 this morning. i stared out my window listening to the birds. then i gave a cerebral cry to God.

God where have you gone? where have you been?! why don't you talk to me anymore?! i can't hear you God! i can't hear you...

this went on for a few minutes. then i heard it. the wind rustled the leaves in the trees, and a gentle rain began. i have always loved the rain and wanted to go out in it, but this was impossible. it wasn't right for a seventeen year old girl to be out in the rain at four in the morning. it was then that i started to watch the sky.

eventually i did move outside. i sat on the top stair of my deck for nearly an hour watching the sky change from the dark purple of night to the pale blue of day. i wanted to watch the sunrise, but eventually felt that writing my thoughts was more important. as i see the sun come up outside my window now i feel as thought i'm missing a bit of the experience, but such is life for a write. writing is in many ways, sacrifice.

if you've never watched the sunrise you couldn't know the feeling. my favorite quote from Jamie Tworkowski played on repeat in my head:

"And God must be a pretty big fan of 'today', because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live."

it's true isn't it? i love dawn. jon says his best songs are written in the time between darkness and daybreak. the time when the sky is light but the sun hasn't yet made a real appearance. this morning i finally knew what he meant. it is truly an inspiring sight to be seen. i've always loved sunrises more than sunsets. some may say that a sunset is more romantic, but the sunrise is a better kept secret. people rarely wake themselves from sleep to enjoy the beginning of a new day. sunsets are a symbol of endurance, you made it through another day. sunrise is an opportunity, you get another day to live. all in all, sunrises are more optimistic.

i would encourage everyone i can to watch a sunrise. be outdoors, and don't be with anyone. don't have anything with you, just listen. you don't have to believe in God to enjoy it's splendor. it's also a wonderful to figure things out. i spent most of my time praying (well, listening really) but just thinking works too.

and jamie was right, "today is the best place to live"

-katie*

Daylight to Break by Switchfoot
I've seen the darkest things
Crawling inside of me
I've seen the monsters come alive
I've seen the enemy
The nightmare that follows me
Searching the darkness for a light
Waiting for daylight to break up this room
Waiting for daylight to break
I've been alone, in the dark I've been dreaming
And waking up without you, I've been waking up without you
For too long
Back in the tragedy
I've made a mess of me
My bitter means, my bitter ends
I see the irony
It gets the best of me
Dying to be made new again
Waiting for daylight to break up this room
Waiting for daylight to break
I've been alone, in the dark I've been dreaming
The day, when dreamers are awake
The sun hits my eyes and everything is right
I've been waking up without you, I've been waking up without you
I've been warring alarms
Till you are in my arms
I've been waking up without you, I've been waking up without you
For too long